... best become a Muslim
Larry Pickering
Ask any Muslim leader and he (there are only “hes”) will tell you Sharia law is coming to the West and there’s nothing the West can do about it. He will also declare that democracy will be abolished, the Islam faith will be adopted by all and non-compliance will unfortunately require the removal of your head.
“It’s just a matter of time”, is the oft-quoted phrase and time, including various explosive devices, his steely black eyes will confirm he has plenty of.
But Oz is a sleepy little corner of the Globe where “faith” is in footy, fishing and the fifth at Flemington. And anyway we have a sweet little section of our Racial Discrimination Act (18C) where our judiciary requires us to accommodate this Muslim leader’s forecast and prevents us offending him.
It’s probably time we put down the form guide and had a gander at what this Muslim has accomplished so far.
Halal certification is going really well, mosques are still mushrooming, imams are still promising multiple virgins in return for murder and there’s even a bikie gang (Brothers 4 Life) to make sure everything goes smoothly.
The financial arm of the movement, Sharia Banking, is also booming with the assistance of local banks like the NAB. There’s a superannution fund offering good interest rates and a housing scheme where you pay no interest or stamp duty at all, allowing you to give the finger to the infidel next door.
I mean, after all, you need to own a nice residence where you can relax and watch the West’s demise.
Sharia law won’t allow you to pay interest but Mr Allah allows you to receive it. Sheeeeeze... that sounds all right! I must have a chat to this Allah bloke and his offsider, Mo.
Now Mo sort of makes all the rules but has his own earthly offsider, a Mr Professor Akhtar Kalam, JP, BSc, BScEng, MS, PhD, FEA, CPEng, FIET, CEng, FAIE, MCIGRE, MIEEE (which I think are acronyms for Arab soccer teams).
Anyway, the Mr Professor runs the Islamic Finance & Investment mob, MCCA, (I think there’s an E missing somewhere there) in Lakemba, Sydney and he knows all the best rorts.
First thing to do is get your hands on the “first home buyer’s grant” and then the Mr Professor will get the ball rolling for you.
Next, select a nice home. Then an Islamic “Funder” appoints you as his agent to buy him that home which he has already agreed to lease to you.
Then you promise to make regular repayments to the "Funder" via direct debit from your nominated Sharia bank account.
Now, at any time in the future you can purchase the property from this "Funder" and he will transfer part ownership of the property to you in the form of a gift while you arrange to settle the difference in the original purchase price at some time in the future.
If you’d prefer to continue paying “rent” for the whole of the agreed period, the "Funder" will then transfer the title over to you in the form of a promissory gift known as “hiba”. Thereby dodging a hefty stamp duty fee we mere mortal infidels have to fork out.
Sounds pretty good eh? The only question is, who the fuck is this generous “Funder”? Well, the shutters came down with a bang when I asked that question. So, after a bit of fishing around I came up with my best guess:
The enigmatic "Funder" (and there are many) are actually separate nominee accounts within the Sharia banking system.
These accounts are “topped up” as needed from various sources, but mainly from the millions of dollars paid by Australian companies in the slick protection racket known as Halal Certification.
So next time a hooded person pushes in front of you at the supermarket checkout, politely suggest you should go first, because after all you are paying her housing loan interest for her.